All of the forensic answers offered are great. I want to be a little blunt and point one thing out.
He's clearly a prolific liar. Beyond any recommendations I could make for forensics, the best recommendation I can make is "Get a good lawyer".
kc555, I don't have a whole lot to offer in technical terms, but I'll try to chip in a bit. I'll also echo what the others have said, that you're to be commended on your methodical, to the best of your abilities investigation, your willingness to try, to learn, to give the benefit of the doubt (itself an extreme act of love one would only do for family or for someone whom s/he truly loves), etc.
As for this –
"When I confronted him, he said he used a prepaid Visa to buy the software (which already makes no sense bc he has a separate account from our joint account and I can't get into that, so why not use it?). He said when he went to submit payment, it would not process his card because it needed the name/address info attached to the card, and a prepaid card doesn't have that info. He called customer service. The rep took his payment over the phone, and verbally gave him link info by which to access the software (MSpy says the card would have processed just fine, and they they do not take payments by phone. Even if they had taken payment over the phone, he would have sent the software and log in instructions to whatever email address he provided…not verbally)."
– I would view it with suspicion. I use non-reloadable prepaid VISA cards for online purchases all the time. The information one has to provide is very limited, sometimes a name and complete address, other times just a zip code, but that's almost always enough for the vendor to cross reference and complete the sale. A few times I have run into problems because the prepaid expiration dates are usually far into the future (2019, 2021, etc.) and I've even had to have one vendor I do business with monthly alter its online order form so the drop-down menu for the expiration date includes dates that far in the future. But other than that, transactions are smooth and problem free. Another problem might have been if the software was from another country. The prepaid VISA's are in my experience for US purchases only.
There are as I see it, two main reasons why a husband would attempt to spy on his spouse
- jealousy (suspecting her of having an affair with someone else and suffering from it)
- (in the specific case) revenge (having been caught if not red handed, at least dark orange handed wink , expecting to find some evidence to retaliate)
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I would add one more reason. If he's especially calculating and devious, and the spyware was actually installed during the affair, he may have done it because he wanted to know whether you were on to him and if so how much you knew or suspected. If it was installed after, maybe it was to see if you're in touch with any lawyers or what kind of advice you're getting from friends and family. He could even still be involved with her in some way and wanting to see how much you now know.
Others are giving good advice about looking at computers, Elcomsoft, etc., but it seems like you're still going it alone with minimal cooperation from your husband. Don't make yourself crazy. He could have used an email address you don't know about, a computer at work or elsewhere, and had a friend or coworker (or even "her") help him with acquiring, putting into use, and accessing the data from the spyware. You might have to confront him, tell him what you've said here about wanting to believe him while still having some doubts, and tell him what the doubts are (stuff like what he said about the card, what MSpy said about the card, etc.) and that in order to forgive and move on he needs to answer all of your questions and prove things to your complete satisfaction. You have a lot of valid doubts and the willingness to work, but it looks like you're trying a whole lot harder than he is. I'm speaking this as a person who has a loved one in his life who is an extreme narcissist, self-centered, all of it. My "relationship" with this person has been completely one-sided with me doing all the work and most of the trying, making excuses for the person, etc. until I finally had someone who was sick of hearing it tell me, "Stop looking at things everyone else's way and start seeing them your way!" meaning stop trying to see the other's side of it and start seeing your own; that's what the other is doing. Well, that was several years ago, and I'm still in the rut, still unable to heed the advice and/or move on. I hope that's not the case with you and that it's not the case with him, that he's incapable of loving you to the full extent of the way you appear to love him (as evidenced by the seriousness with which you take your vows and give the benefit of the doubt). My situation isn't quite the same as yours, but I see parallels. I see me trying to extreme measures and the other telling stories that I can't prove are untrue but have trouble believing nonetheless after hearing variations of them over and over again. It's come down to one thing the other person is not doing enough to my (or to any person's who is not a masochist) satisfaction. I'm spending all the money, doing all the work, all the trying, meeting the other's demands, but the other isn't reciprocating in kind and is acting like I'm not doing enough and telling me stories that insult my intelligence when I ask to get in return just a little of what I've been giving.
All that said, I'll also point out that it appears you still need that phone for investigative purposes, but don't trust it for your own use unless you're 100% sure it's spyware free. BlackBerry has a security wipe feature and when you wipe it, it's really spyware free. I'm not sure if iphone has that feature, but I would get a new phone for your own use.
I would add one more reason. If he's especially calculating and devious, and the spyware was actually installed during the affair, he may have done it because he wanted to know whether you were on to him and if so how much you knew or suspected. If it was installed after, maybe it was to see if you're in touch with any lawyers or what kind of advice you're getting from friends and family.
Yep. )
And that is another reason why knowing the dates/duration of the contract/subscription to the "spying software" would be of use.
jaclaz